Friday, March 27, 2015

Chaos in my soul

There's a famous quote by Nietzche saying, 
"You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star." 
I've read that quote for a lot of years and today it popped into my head. I have a lot of chaos right's more of my thoughts that don't seem to be landing anywhere and then I can't sleep so I thought maybe I should finally blog.
Over a year ago I was having a hard time getting pregnant, the feelings were intense and heartbreaking. Luckily something changed and right now I'm about to give birth to another baby girl. I'm blessed. I'm soooo beyond blessed. I get teary eyed just thinking about meeting another little soul any day and then I get more teary eyed thinking it's not going to be just Wren..then guilt hits, then worry, then the questioning, the feelings, then I start cleaning. 
I was telling Jason tonight that I love change but I'm afraid of it. I know things will be good it's just that first step, that first unknown and then that unknown becomes the new life and after awhile it's the norm. I want that norm right now. I've been offered another yoga job..with more responsibility and something that I've never dreamed I would get (more on this later..still working out the details and if I can even handle it) but still life keeps changing, growing, and I continue to be blessed.. but I just feel a little bit of a mess right now.
Tonight while I attempted to go to sleep. I laid next to Wren. She's a perfect little soul. When she's awake she's full of life. I've never met a 2 year old who has so much energy and so much heart like she does. My life is chaotic chasing after her, teaching yoga, trying to be a good mom, a good wife, being 9 months pregnant and being sane. 
Tonight while I was watching her sleep, I thought teaching yoga balances me, brings me back to me, while my family is my heart, they keep me grounded, they are my everything. Then that's the moment that quote popped into my head. I may have chaos and lack of sleep right now, but I'm blessed and through the stress, the unknown and change something amazing will happen. 
Maybe its actually being able to balance this new job with a toddler, baby and hubby, maybe it's the moment Wren will meet her baby sister, maybe it will be me stop questioning myself and being so afraid of change and the chaos. 
I just need to let things be and maybe try to go back to sleep. 

1 comment:

emi said...

prettiest words! loved this inspiration today