Chaos in my soul

There's a famous quote by Nietzche saying, 

"You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star." 

I've read that quote for a lot of years and today it popped into my head. I have a lot of chaos right now..it's more of my thoughts that don't seem to be landing anywhere and then I can't sleep so I thought maybe I should finally blog.

Over a year ago I was having a hard time getting pregnant, the feelings were intense and heartbreaking. Luckily something changed and right now I'm about to give birth to another baby girl. I'm blessed. I'm soooo beyond blessed. I get teary eyed just thinking about meeting another little soul any day and then I get more teary eyed thinking it's not going to be just Wren..then guilt hits, then worry, then the questioning, the feelings, then I start cleaning. 

I was telling Jason tonight that I love change but I'm afraid of it. I know things will be good it's just that first step, that first unknown and then that unknown becomes the new life and after awhile it's the norm. I want that norm right now. I've been offered another yoga job..with more responsibility and something that I've never dreamed I would get (more on this later..still working out the details and if I can even handle it) but still life keeps changing, growing, and I continue to be blessed.. but I just feel a little bit of a mess right now.

Tonight while I attempted to go to sleep. I laid next to Wren. She's a perfect little soul. When she's awake she's full of life. I've never met a 2 year old who has so much energy and so much heart like she does. My life is chaotic chasing after her, teaching yoga, trying to be a good mom, a good wife, being 9 months pregnant and being sane. 
Tonight while I was watching her sleep, I thought teaching yoga balances me, brings me back to me, while my family is my heart, they keep me grounded, they are my everything. Then that's the moment that quote popped into my head. I may have chaos and lack of sleep right now, but I'm blessed and through the stress, the unknown and change something amazing will happen. 
Maybe its actually being able to balance this new job with a toddler, baby and hubby, maybe it's the moment Wren will meet her baby sister, maybe it will be me stop questioning myself and being so afraid of change and the chaos. 
I just need to let things be and maybe try to go back to sleep. 

a year ago

This past week I've been trying to download new photos of our summer, camping trips, playing outside and I've been getting notices like, "scratch disc to full, "Iphoto not able to download" etc, etc. Sadly something is wrong with my computer and while waiting for our appointment to get things working right I've been looking at old pictures. The one above of Wren was taken last summer. It was a raining day like the ones we've been having and it melts my heart. It's amazing how fast she's growing up. She's still petite but her legs are getting longer, instead of the little top knot on her head it's now a bun with some full hair. She's been talking, screaming, getting some sass and I'm in love. 

I have a couple of weeks off from teaching and I've been finding myself taking naps with her, cuddling watching movies, taking walks up City Creek Canyon. Having a toddler around is pretty awesome, I'm tired and I get frustrated of course but wow what wonder comes from seeing the world in her little eyes. She's one little girl with a huge heart and makes my life more complete. So until I get this computer up and running enjoy these little blues and cross your fingers.

My Heart

July 20th is a good day. It's the day where we celebrate Jason, my husband, my best friend, my heart. There are so many reasons why I love him to name a few, he's a hard worker, stupid smart, funny... makes me laugh everyday, loyal, caring, but most important he loves me and our little Wren. I couldn't be any luckier.

Happy 30th Jason.

Pizza and Roosters

 Fountain Green has been one of my favorite places to go to, it doesn't hurt with a new pizza oven and my hubby making 5 hours worth of personalized pizza for the whole family. We slept under the stars, being awaken by roosters and kids laughing. These are the memories I can't wait for Wren to remember. 

Simplicity meet Chaos

I just recently read this quote by Brene Brown saying, 

"To be authentic, we must cultivate the courage to be imperfect and vulnerable. We have to believe that we are fundamentally worthy of love and acceptance, just as we are. I've learned that there is no better way to invite more grace, gratitude, and joy in our lives than by mindfully practicing authenticity. Even when it's hard, and even when we're wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we're afraid to let ourselves feel it. It's these moments in life that demand we show up-that we let go of who we think we're supposed to be and embrace who we really are." 

These last few months I've not only been struggling with blogging (hence the absence) but with finding some balance. Balance with motherhood, cooking dinners, teaching yoga, getting out of my yoga clothes, being creative, being authentic. There are days where I want and I actually do cry and others where I'm completely content and beyond happy. These last couple of years my life have been full of blessings.. SO many blessing and it's been simple. The word simplicity comes to my mind often. I looked it up and found these words that define it ... clarity, clearness, understandability, straightforwardness, easiness, effortlessness. 

My life half of the time is exactly that, but then it's chaotic and stressful. The words that describe chaos are.. disorder, confusion, mayhem, mess, free-for-all, all hell broken loose. The other part of my life is a little messy and you know, it's okay. It's really okay. I think me writing this out is more therapeutic for me than anyone and reading that quote from Brene Brown over and over again, I realize more than ever that I'm okay with my life being a little simple with a mix of craziness. I'm imperfect and that's okay. I need to tell myself this over and over again.. and hopefully the simple and the chaotic days that I have, I'll show up, let go of the expectations, and hopefully embrace who I truly am.  

Eleven thousand six hundred and eighty something days

Christmas has come and gone, our apartment is feeling a little more smaller now with new kid cars and toys. My baby is becoming more of a toddler now. Running, talking, her hair getting longer, her crib turning into a bed. Then all of a sudden it's 2014, snow storms, new classes to teach, turning 32 and then it felt like spring today. These last few months have gone by so fast and today it hit me. I've always thought I was good to really enjoy each moment..  I even based Wren's first year on living each moment to the fullest.. But then life keeps going and we get stuck in routine, lack of sleep, doubt, negativity, then we get a moment of motivation, then back to the routine and reality television. 

My life is full of good things, great blessings but I think lately I've been in a routine of negativity or maybe it's just those January blues. It wasn't until I got my birthday card from Jason last week that made me snap out of it.. he wrote, "I want you to know how grateful I am for each of the eleven thousand six hundred and eighty days that you have made this world a better place." Not only is that the sweetest thing to hear from Jason who most of the time expresses his affection through lovable teasing but knowing that I've been here for eleven thousand six hundred and eighty something days.. and I can make each day better, each moment that much better even if its surrounded by negativity or a toddler tantrum. I guess what I'm trying to say on this sleepless night that we have each day to live to the fullest and I better start enjoying it..all the little things, the snow storms, the long days, early mornings, the crying, the doubt, the happiness in everything...even if it starts to become a loving routine... enjoy it

Happy February 

Capturing one of Wren's many looks-January 2014

Hello December

Hello December! How did this happen so quick. Last week we were eating turkey and making grandma's stuffing. Now we are making Christmas list, shopping, staying cozy inside while it's freezing outside. Christmas is going to be here in no time and I'm excited for it. Wren still doesn't really have any idea what's going on, but she loves seeing lights, dancing to Christmas music, and really hates Santa. Here's to the past couple of weeks (go to my Instagram for more pictures whitneyras) and more to look forward too:

*New couch means extra cuddling under Christmas quilts

*Black Friday was actually really fun when you miss the crowds and go with your twin

*Seeing the lights before it become 0 degrees outside

*Happy St Nick Day

*Cousin night in just a few days

*Yoga and more yoga

*Loving this album and a few songs for my yoga classes

*This bowl..thanks Marta

*Christmas cards (will post soon)

*Christmas parties & traditions

Even though this month is cold, gets super busy and super crazy, it's one of my favorite times and it's so much fun with my little Wrenny baby running around and actually reacting to seeing things for the very first time. 

Happy December